Love - the one magic word that everyone seems to be manically seeking in their life. If you have grown up in India listening to Hindi film music, ghazals et. al. you would know that maximum songs crooned by our favorite singers are about romance and love. The love between a man and a woman which is exalted to a status which is almost divine like. Even if you are a fan of English music - the same trend is visible there. Even the greatest of rock-stars who usually like to delve into the deeper aspects of everyday life and its frustrations, have usually composed some intense love ballads which become extremely popular.
Why has "romantic" love become such an all consuming aspect of life? And why is the traditional Indian society now facing serious challenges to its old ways of looking at things in this new global era? To get a perspective, one only has to look at the number of divorces our society is suddenly witnessing. Even tragic divorces in the lives of couples who braved all kinds of pressures and married for love?
Recently the news of a break-up of a couple I always used to think of as an ideal couple made me introspect on the underlying motivations which bring two people together. The first eye contact. The magnet like attraction. The heady "high" one gets along with it. And then over time, in so many cases, why does this force weaken to the extent that the couple break-up and go their separate ways?
Liking or disliking someone is such a sub-conscious phenomenon that in most cases we do not fully understand even our own motivations. All we know is that there is something about the other person that appeals to us and we get pulled into a rush of emotions over which we seem to have little control.
So why is it that after some time, this heady rush subsides and we suddenly find that the object of our attraction is an ordinary human after all and the same imperfections we found endearing earlier seem completely intolerable?
Moreover in many cases, there is now someone else now who seems so much more appropriate for our life and so much more worthy of our attention and energy!
While generalizing a topic like this which is so personal is fraught with risks, I can only share what I have learned from my own life. And so this is my theory:
At different periods of our life, we have different needs and requirements from our "better-half". And it is this which drives a lot of what we seek in other people. To elaborate, these needs are essentially aspects that are missing in our own life and which we feel get fulfilled when we ally with the other person. For e.g. suppose my life is full of pain. A partner who is of a very "happy" nature and in whose presence I am able to forget my troubles and pains might seem very desirable. Or to take another example, suppose I feel under-confident about myself and how I look. If a partner comes along who is vivacious and confident and who likes me as I am then very naturally I will get attracted to this person.
With time however, if these aspects of life change, then this very person might not remain very ideal for me. So if with time, I am able to deal with my pain and become a happy person myself, then my partner who was essentially helping me deal with my pain may not be so attractive any more. I just don't need that aspect of that person any more in my life. And now if another person comes along who fulfills some other need, I might just be compelled to jump ship and abandon my partner.
Sounds brutal? Well that's how life is unfortunately.
So what is the solution? As a practicing Buddhist who tries to seek my mentor in life, Mr. Daisaku Ikeda for solutions to problems I face in life, here is a gem that to me clearly offers the solution:
"Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality."
Source: http://www.ikedaquotes.org/love-marriage/love-marriage323?quotes_start=7
So in the end, WHY I fall in love is more important than being in love. Many times, we use our cool and calculating brain to ultimately decide who should be our life partner. We then conveniently forget what our original intent behind getting attracted to this person was and later when things go wrong, we are shocked and blame the other person.
But as Buddhism explains, life is cause and effect. And this principle is extremely STRICT! Based on what we think, a certain kind of people get attracted to our lives. While they might seem extremely ideal for us, in actuality, they might not be. And invariably somewhere along the way, effects would pop up which would question us, severely test us.
So how does one ensure we do not commit these fundamental mistakes?
Here's what I tell myself:
"Be patient. Make sure your love for the other person is "TRULY" unselfish and unconditional and then let the flowers of true love bloom.
Not just for today and tomorrow but for ETERNITY!!"
Why has "romantic" love become such an all consuming aspect of life? And why is the traditional Indian society now facing serious challenges to its old ways of looking at things in this new global era? To get a perspective, one only has to look at the number of divorces our society is suddenly witnessing. Even tragic divorces in the lives of couples who braved all kinds of pressures and married for love?
Recently the news of a break-up of a couple I always used to think of as an ideal couple made me introspect on the underlying motivations which bring two people together. The first eye contact. The magnet like attraction. The heady "high" one gets along with it. And then over time, in so many cases, why does this force weaken to the extent that the couple break-up and go their separate ways?
Liking or disliking someone is such a sub-conscious phenomenon that in most cases we do not fully understand even our own motivations. All we know is that there is something about the other person that appeals to us and we get pulled into a rush of emotions over which we seem to have little control.
So why is it that after some time, this heady rush subsides and we suddenly find that the object of our attraction is an ordinary human after all and the same imperfections we found endearing earlier seem completely intolerable?
Moreover in many cases, there is now someone else now who seems so much more appropriate for our life and so much more worthy of our attention and energy!
While generalizing a topic like this which is so personal is fraught with risks, I can only share what I have learned from my own life. And so this is my theory:
At different periods of our life, we have different needs and requirements from our "better-half". And it is this which drives a lot of what we seek in other people. To elaborate, these needs are essentially aspects that are missing in our own life and which we feel get fulfilled when we ally with the other person. For e.g. suppose my life is full of pain. A partner who is of a very "happy" nature and in whose presence I am able to forget my troubles and pains might seem very desirable. Or to take another example, suppose I feel under-confident about myself and how I look. If a partner comes along who is vivacious and confident and who likes me as I am then very naturally I will get attracted to this person.
With time however, if these aspects of life change, then this very person might not remain very ideal for me. So if with time, I am able to deal with my pain and become a happy person myself, then my partner who was essentially helping me deal with my pain may not be so attractive any more. I just don't need that aspect of that person any more in my life. And now if another person comes along who fulfills some other need, I might just be compelled to jump ship and abandon my partner.
Sounds brutal? Well that's how life is unfortunately.
So what is the solution? As a practicing Buddhist who tries to seek my mentor in life, Mr. Daisaku Ikeda for solutions to problems I face in life, here is a gem that to me clearly offers the solution:
"Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality."
Source: http://www.ikedaquotes.org/love-marriage/love-marriage323?quotes_start=7
So in the end, WHY I fall in love is more important than being in love. Many times, we use our cool and calculating brain to ultimately decide who should be our life partner. We then conveniently forget what our original intent behind getting attracted to this person was and later when things go wrong, we are shocked and blame the other person.
But as Buddhism explains, life is cause and effect. And this principle is extremely STRICT! Based on what we think, a certain kind of people get attracted to our lives. While they might seem extremely ideal for us, in actuality, they might not be. And invariably somewhere along the way, effects would pop up which would question us, severely test us.
So how does one ensure we do not commit these fundamental mistakes?
Here's what I tell myself:
"Be patient. Make sure your love for the other person is "TRULY" unselfish and unconditional and then let the flowers of true love bloom.
Not just for today and tomorrow but for ETERNITY!!"
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